I spent several of my teenage years as a member of the SCA, and those years both in and out of the Society really shaped who I am today. Much of it had to do with the gentleman I was involved with at the time, as his support and encouragement helped me grow in so many ways.
Back then I built my “play” persona around his suggestions, not really having any strong preferences of my own. That isn’t a bad thing. The alternate identity I developed was as comfortable to me as my favorite college sweatshirt, and to this day if anyone calls me by that alternate name, I answer to it without even thinking. The difficulty came when the relationship ended, and I made the decision to fall out of the Society. It was too painful to be in that environment where I had fallen in love and all my memories involved him, but yet I missed the dancing and the history and the events and the clothing that made me feel so alive. For 15 years I kept myself away, but that other me wouldn’t go gently into that goodnight.
On a bit of a whim and thanks to my brother, I decided to dip my toe in again by attending the largest camping event in the US and I fell in love all over again, but with the Society itself. I promised myself I’d start getting involved once I got back home. A year later, the event rolled around again. I hadn’t made it to a single local gathering, but I went camping again, still loved it, and vowed that this year I’d get involved. Fast forward another year, and the same thing happened… but with one difference. I made good on my promise to myself, and have been attending meetings and becoming an active participant in my local group.
Mostly it’s been wonderful, but I’ve struggled with a few things. That gentleman from my past is still there and has a sweet, lovely wife and two darling little boys, and the part of me that never stopped loving him aches when I see him, although I do my very best to not let it show. And because I need to deny that old part of me, I felt that I could not retain that old persona. I’d changed too much, and I needed to be different now for my own sake.
So now it’s a bittersweet project, redesigning myself. The newer version bears almost no resemblence to my former SCA self, and the things that haven’t changed only I can see. I have chosen a new name, a new nationality, time period and history. My primary interest remains the same, but I’m trying to branch out so that the overlap of who I was and who I am doesn’t distract me with memories and regrets. I’m trying to use the past to build myself anew, and to make myself a better person.
If I can do that in my “play” world, who’s to say I can’t do it for real?
